Valley of the Subconscious

Last year I had several drastic things happen in my life. Each one in itself, is hard for anyone to deal with. Before I was able to recover from one, and get my feet planted back firmly underneath of me, another one would hit.

The man that I was building a life and home with, and thought I would be spending the rest of my life with, and trusted with my heart, the man who I believed had intelligence, honor and integrity, left me for the town tart who grew up in a bar, and had no other aspirations of being anything more than that, unless a man was willing to give it to her. What a blow that was to the ol’ ego, as I try to constantly improve myself, through knowledge, insight about myself, appearance, and profession…a never ending road of striving, and bettering.

It wasn’t a month after that, my ex-husband killed himself on Mother’s Day, and was found by my one and only son three days later. I was faced with guilt, anger, sadness, all the while trying to be there to help, and be strong for my son, who was going through all those same feelings.

A little over a month later, I was laid off from my job, which is a profession that I have been in all my life, and thought would sustain me as long as I needed it, but with the economy, mortgage crisis, and being in a profession that is geared around real estate, the bottom fell out, and only continues to get worse. I was left confused as to where to go from there.

I was physically attached and blindsided by the same tart above on a night out, after being invited and convinced by a mutual friend to attend the gathering, and then ended up in a one vehicle accident on the way home, and spent the night in jail. A night I am still paying dearly for.

I somehow had become a drama magnet, and no matter how hard I tried to run from it, the more it seemed I got hit. I found myself very confused, and consumed with more emotions than I ever dreamed were even in existence. There were days when I couldn’t finish a sentence without forgetting what I was saying in the middle, my mind was racing so fast.

To save my soul I began doing all of the things that I love, but had laid down over the years for one reason or the other. Anything that I could think of that pleased me I forced myself to do, no matter how much I didn’t feel like it, and no matter how exhausted my emotions were making me feel.

But I also ran out and bought myself a cheap spiral notebook, and started writing. I didn’t have any intended purpose. I was not writing a novel, or anything for anyone, but me. I wrote constantly about how I was feeling, and anything that was on my mind. I took the notebook everywhere I went, because I sometimes would all of a sudden get some great epiphany, or insight, and I had a need to capture it. Things I wanted to say to others, but knew I couldn’t, but yet had to get out. That notebook has my soul, and the deepest darkest moments of my life held within it. That notebook was my life raft. That notebook saved me.

Posted by searchingwithin at 10:41 AM